Sometimes I have writer’s block. No idea what to write about. Fresh out of ideas. Don’t know what would be interesting. I went to Budapest this past week! That’s pretty cool, but to be honest, I can’t write a whole blog post about my trip without it just being a huge recap of what I did, which I don’t think anyone would find all that interesting. Maybe you would, but it would still be incredibly boring to write. I need to have a little more oomph behind what I write. Below are some random paragraphs that just show one big thought process of mine. I started out trying to write a blog post because it’s my weekly deadline, but got bored and started writing about the way the sunlight was spilling into the room, and it just keeps going from there. Enjoy this mess of a blog post!
*The paragraphs below are 95% unedited.
Today was the first day of my spring course of Slovene. The third and final course. When did this happen? This course lasts three months, and then in three weeks, I go home. My mom pointed some of this out to me and wow, it all feels awfully soon.
The room I’m sitting in has natural light. A lot of it. It pours in through the two large windows and makes its way onto the walls. It’s the perfect mixture of white and yellow, and I can feel its gentle touch on my face. There has not been natural light such as this for some time. Clouds blocking it out or simply my absence at approximately 3:24 pm in mid-February. This time of day, this time of year, the angle of this house in relation to the sun, my activities today or lack thereof, all make up the equation of me being in this moment, appreciating the way the sun’s rays sit in the room just right. No burning ball of gas piercing the pupil of my eye, no unwanted heat sneaking in through open blinds. Just a stillness that speaks. A time of day that is surpassed by no other, for no other brings the light and energy into this room the way it’s being brought in right now. No passing clouds to create variations in color or hue. Nothing in the way. Nothing but tangible light that I allow myself bask in, soaking, soaking, soaking, but only for a moment, dreading the fall of that glorious sun.
Nothing makes me anxious. Meaning I get anxious, but about absolutely nothing. It’s just something that hits me some days (or weeks). And I can’t seem to pinpoint where it’s coming from. Or get rid of it.
I mope around and get frustrated with myself for not speaking up and practicing enough. I fear that I’ll never change because I simply don’t know how to. The mental barrier I’ve built feels like it reaches to the moon. So I try to motivate myself. I ask for some help, for a word of encouragement. I receive it, but man is it hard to change. How hard it is to be something you’re not. I try to take a positive spin and look at it as an opportunity to grow, to leave my comfort zone. I tell myself when the next opportunity comes, I’ll take it. That things will be different this time around, but they never are. When an opportunity comes, my mind feels weary and I can’t find the words. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to say. And the truth is, sometimes I don’t want to say anything. Sometimes I don’t wanna talk. Sometimes I’m tired and I want to be by myself. At the same time, I want company. I want to have an enriching conversation without feeling guilty about the fact that it wasn’t in my target language (despite that being impossible). I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I beat myself up and my mind becomes filled with negativity. I am usually very good about not letting negative thoughts run rampant but sometimes it feels like their soldiers outnumber the positive ones. And the encouraging words always tell me that I’ll overcome this, that in time I will get there. What if I don’t have time? What if I don’t overcome this? The only thing scarier than that thought is that one soldier that says “but what if you never even try?” Maybe it’s simpler than I think. What’s the worst that could happen, really? Just step out and DO IT. Stop thinking so much.
It takes a lot to get me started sometimes. I wish I was a natural initiator socially, but I’m just not. And I have to accept that, make peace with it, and work on becoming better. It’s just fear. It’s just fear holding me back. That’s it. Just a flimsy fear that holds nothing. Fears that are irrational but leave me feeling terrified. Of awkwardness. Of not knowing what to say. Of mistakes. Of stumbling. Of people laughing at me. Of what people think of me. And why? I don’t know why. It’s just how I am. It’s something I wish I could change.
But I can’t change it. I need help. I need God’s help because I have failed myself time and time again. And I have a strong feeling that will continue. I need His help. I need to lean on him. I need reminders that it’s okay to feel this heavy sense of incompetence. That my fears only exist in my mind. That through Christ’s power, love, strength, and endless grace, I can change. I can grow.
On the first day of my first Slovene language course, my mom came with me. I was timid and a bit nervous. I had no idea what to expect or who I would meet. My mother interacted more with the students than I did at first. I made a few friends with the help of her extroversion and when she left I clung onto them for the rest of our time there until later more people came up to us. Everything was so new, so unfamiliar, but it soon became familiar and sometimes I think back to those beginning days when it was still warm enough to go outside during the break. The sun would shine down on my friends and me as we chatted about or varying curriculum, discussed our cultures, and got to know each other better. Today, after being through the process twice, I walked around like I owned the place. There were so many new faces along with the familiar, friendly ones that I already knew. I had the confidence to introduce myself to new people and caught up with friends I hadn’t seen a while. It felt good. I felt good. I love having experience. The trouble with this is that you have to gain experience, and gaining experience means starting out with none. For me personally, and I assume most people, there is such an amazing feeling that comes along with knowing your way around something, whatever it may be. I love to be the master. I love to give advice. I love to speak from my experience in a way that helps someone else. There’s a great feeling in showing someone the ropes and being the person who knows. But in order for me to get to that point, I have to deal with the less enjoyable part of being a rookie, a beginner, a newbie. Someone with no experience. Someone who made mistakes. And I dread this to an extent, but it’s the only way to get to the place where I wanna be. There’s no way around it, and knowing what lies beyond me makes it bearable. I dread the day I get a new job and am terrible at it, but boy do I look forward to the day when I’ve mastered it and get to help someone else. Until then, I actually have to figure out what God wants for my life, and until I do, my answer to the question I hate the most is: I don’t know what I want to study or pursue as a career because I don’t know what would be a good balance of passion and also job stability. I have no clue what my future holds! But ya know what? That’s okay and I’m not afraid about the future. I don’t know if I ever have been because God knows what he’s doing and my life is in his hands. That truth will forever and always bring me peace.