Each year when the end of school came round, I would get this weird feeling. I was excited like anyone else, but there was also this mellow tide that would wash over me, putting me in a mood that’s hard to describe.
The reason this always happened to me was because my thought process was this: once a school year is over, an era of my life was over. And I can’t ever get it back. The classes I went to every day, the friends I spent half my day with, the teachers I had, the people I ate lunch with, are now just a piece of my memory. I can never get those moments back. There were always some classes that made the end of school something to look forward to, but there were some that made it hard to think about.
My assumption is that most people don’t think this way at all. Most people look forward to the end of school from the day it starts. My sister is one of these people. But I LOVE school. Ever since my first day of public school in 2006, I have enjoyed going to school.
Why do I write about my love for school? Not sure, it’s just one of those ideas that popped into my head a few weeks ago that I immediately started writing about. Rereading my intro just now has me realizing how fitting it is for where I am right now. I have less than a week left of my first Slovene course, and I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about learning Slovene and going to my course lately.
One of those feelings is lack of motivation. I go to language school four days a week and it’s usually a good time. But at one point this past week I found myself walking home from the gym thinking about language school and a thought occurred in my mind, “I still have three more months of this!” I felt discouraged. I felt as though I was wasting my time. What am I gonna get out of this? Why am I here? Will these feelings pass?!
Yes. Of course they will. They always do. Another feeling was both the excitement and fear that I have of knowing I’ll be placed in a harder group for the next 2 courses. A few weeks ago this was all I wanted. Now I feel a sense of dread, but I know a push is what I need.
Lastly, I had faint traces of what I described in the second paragraph. These didn’t quite hit me until I went to a dinner party a classmate and his wife hosted for the rest of the class and our two teachers. I thought about how I had one more week with these classmates. The last week we’d all be together. Some of them are continuing while others are moving back to their home countries. What if I never see them again? It’s a bit sad, but that’s life, some people are only in yours for a season.
On a lighter note, I am very grateful to have been placed in Skupina 1 (Group 1). At the beginning of my language course, I was so bothered that I was in such an easy class. I wanted to do more challenging things. I was jealous of my more capable friends and was/still am jealous of their language speaking abilities. How do they speak so well? How do they understand so well? Ugh, I suck. Maybe if I was in Skupina 2 I would be better. But being in Skupina 1 has truly been a blessing. Out of the other four groups, no other had the community that mine did, and that means a whole lot more than the difficulty of a class or what I would have gained from it.
Better speaking and listening abilities will come with time, the time those in higher level groups have already put in. I need not be jealous, but instead remind myself to stop comparing and embrace where I am knowing it’s not a result of lack of effort or a thick skull, but of time. I will (hopefully) get there one day!